What makes me feel like an author? Was it the actual writing? How about typing THE END on books 1-3 of the Gatlin series? How about when it was actually published? Nope! My first real author feeling was when I went to a local book club and spoke about The Defender. That was the first time I really held my head high and proudly said, “I am an author.”
Strange, right? I went through so much to get there, yet I had such severe imposter syndrome that I couldn’t let myself believe in the title. That can’t apply to me, can it? It took a group of lovely ladies to convince me that yes, it can, and it does.
Getting to the book club was a challenge all in itself. Convincing myself that it was in my best interests to go and that I actually had something to say was like fighting a war inside my head. Each time I would get remotely excited, my social anxiety would kick in, and my thoughts would scream CANCEL! But I didn’t, and I am so glad I stuck with it. Not only did I make the guest appearance at the club, but I also learned more about my own book. Crazy, right?
The most straightforward question about why I wrote the book was what triggered my response, “My depression.” It was the most prominent and direct answer that I could think of. But it led to a fantastic conversation about my recovery. The book wasn’t about depression. It was about healing. The symbolism in the book went so much further than even I realized.
Alexia Harmon’s journey takes her through an entirely new galaxy, where she explores various worlds and environments. Something I hadn’t realized before was how much her adventures related to my own. No, I didn’t travel the galaxies, but I was facing a whole new world regarding depression and my bipolar disorder. It felt like every day. I was facing something new. My medications made me feel fuzzy, happy, depressed, or any number of physical symptoms. Giving Alexia the ability to travel planets was my way of coping with the constant changes in my life. Talk about the representation of my life in the pages of a book!
So yes, technically, I went to the book club to talk about The Defender, but in the end, I ended up learning more about something that I thought I knew all there was to know. It just shows that there is so much more meaning behind things that we pour our hearts and souls into. I’m proud of The Defender (and its soon-to-be counterparts), and I am pleased that they represent so much of my life, especially when my life was in turmoil.
So, if you have a book club, invite me! I would love to come and speak about my journey and how it led to a book.
